CHAPTERS on The real troubles in your life

blindside you on some idle Tuesday

When I was a teenager I was obsessed with Baz Lurhmann’s Sunscreen Song. I’m sure you know it, but if you don’t, you should. It’s full of sage advice like, “Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults.” And “floss”.

I met Baz Lurhmann once. It was a Spring day in 2018 and I was working on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show at the time. We were both wearing floral summery shirts in a similar shade of lemon yellow and he thought that was fantastic. We took a selfie.* It turned out blurry. I wanted to tell him how much I loved the Sunscreen Song, Moulin Rouge, The Great Gatsby and basically everything he’d ever done but I couldn’t find the words in the moment without making my own toes curl. So I didn’t. I guess I was star struck!

The Sunscreen Song lyrics are from an essay originally published in the Chicago Tribune in 1997. It was a hypothetical commencement speech written by columnist Mary Schmich. When I was studying for my A-Levels I wrote some of the words out on post-it notes and stuck them up at the end of my bed. (I know, nerd). The one that I particularly repeated to myself was,

“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.”

My problem was, I was born worried. Scared of everything. A cautious Carol. My baseline state was nervous. My preferred zone was comfort. I had to work myself up to do things that I was told I would enjoy ‘once you get there.’ I remember the anxiety of going to my gymnastics classes, even though gymnastics was all I lived for as a kid. In the car on the way I’d think, “what if I fall from a great height? What if everyone laughs at me? What if my leotard looks embarrassing?” What if, what if, what if.

The next line in the Sunscreen Song told me,

“The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”

In some ways I found this line reassuring and increasingly true as I experienced more of life. The fears that kept me awake at night never came to play the next day. My confidence grew and whenever my mettle was tested I thought to myself, “no point worrying, it will probably never happen.” However, I also found the line terrifying, knowing that one day I might be innocently going about my business and life’s cruelty could come to me in a text, phone call or knock at the door.

Recently, in my own meandering experience, Mary Schmich was proven right. The real troubles in life do blindside you. Even if someone told had you in advance what was coming, you wouldn’t believe it. And although it might not be at exactly 4pm on a Tuesday, things will happen that have, truly, never crossed your worried mind.

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So if you, like me, have sweated the small stuff. Let this serve as your reminder to stop worrying about things that, for better or worse, most likely won’t happen or won’t matter.

Here are some of the stupid things I have wasted my worries on in the past…

• Spoilers - since someone in school sped read the Harry Potter book and told me the ending, I have been particularly wounded by spoilers. I had to avoid instagram for three days because I was abroad and couldn’t watch The Traitors finale. If you’re someone who worries about spoilers, this is a wake up call from me to you - Get A Life.

• Magpies - seeing ‘one for sorrow’ used to hurl my superstitious side into a state of unrest for the entire day, waiting for my sorrow to arrive. Magpies are meaningless, stop caring about the hidden messages of black and white birds. There, I said it. You have no idea what each day will bring and neither does whatever omen you’ve decided to pin your hopes and fears on.

• What might the ‘neighbours’ say - I have so often feared what other people think. Stressing that a stranger I met for all of five minutes might have thought I was rude. Overthinking interactions or word choices when I’ll probably never see this person again for the rest of my life. Use that brain space for something worthwhile.

• Superficial stuff - clothes, hair, makeup, handbags, cars, jewellery etc are all fabulous but are irrelevant in comparison to your health. Health is wealth.

• Self-diagnoses - I’ve spent many a long evening in a WebMD black hole, self-diagnosing a common cold as a form of rare throat cancer or hypothesising that I caught an incurable disease from that time I used the long-drop at Glastonbury. I haven’t (yet) got any of the medical issues I’ve shed pre-emptive tears over. Stop googling your symptoms.

• Time - We are all on our own journeys through life at different stages and paces. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing and when. Your journey is uniquely yours. Live it in a way that makes you happy, on your own time and your own terms.

For more (better) advice listen to The Sunscreen Song and here’s my selfie with Baz.

I hope you all have a worry-free week.

x

* “We took a selfie. It turned out blurry.” April 2018