CHAPTERS on Mercury in retrograde
Send help
I profess to know little about astronomy but that doesn’t stop me using it as a scapegoat. Mercury in retrograde became a running joke whenever things went awry in my old house-share. If one of us missed a train, went on a bad date or forgot to pick up loo rolls, we’d blame Mercury. “Bloody Mercury.”
According to astrologers, when Mercury is in retrograde it signifies a time associated with miscommunication, frustration and confusion. Think undelivered messages or, worse, one of those accidental reply-all emails on a company wide thread. Our preoccupation with the phenomenon was pre-covid, when planetary movements began to feel insignificant. In the pandemic, if anything was in retrograde, it was Earth. So, over the last few years, I’d forgotten all about this life hack.
This week I was meeting a friend at Hamstead Heath for a dog walk. After various train debacles we aborted the mission, deciding to go home and order lunch instead. I made a note on the order details, “call me, don’t ring the doorbell”. It was nap time for her baby. Of course, on arrival, he rang the bell. The baby woke up. The dogs went mad. And when I looked in the deliveroo bag, I’d somehow only ordered one of our meals. As I left, she handed me a T-shirt I’d forgotten last time I stayed. When I stepped on the tube I realised the T-shirt was not with me. Feeling completely discombobulated I chalked it up to being “one of those days.”
The next morning, I had to drop off my dog's stuff at a friend's place, where he would be staying for a few days. As I opened the cupboard, I realised we were completely out of treats. Deciding to make a quick stop at the supermarket on the way, I thought I had averted the crisis. However, arriving at my friend's house, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to pack any dog food. "Bloody Mercury," sprung to mind.
Desperate for an excuse beyond my own distinct lack of organisation I tapped mercury retrograde into google. Lo and behold, Mercury is in motion during the 1st to the 24th April. Careful what you wish for. Later that afternoon, I lay in trepidation at an eyebrow shape and tint, anticipating the botched result. “Oh, I thought you said you wanted them waxed off.” I expected the beautician to say. I’d probably come out of there to a parking ticket on my windscreen and when I saw my Dad’s FaceTime call pop up I thought, “oh no, what now…” Breathing a sigh of relief that my eyebrows were intact and my Dad just wanted a chat, I sat down to write all about ‘bloody Mercury,’ but my work didn’t save. No seriously, this is the second draft. And it probably won’t even send.
I returned to my honeymoon suitcase and packed extra first aid supplies for every eventuality. I planned and replanned the route to the airport and made sure we got there early.
I’ll be back soon but, for now, I’m on vacay 🥂 I’m sure there’ll be plenty to write about. Send help.