CHAPTERS on I'm worried about my teeth

and other thoughts on beauty

Everywhere I look, people are getting, or have had, their teeth done. Even my Pomeranian went to the vet dentist this week. Yes, Ralphie now has teeth that sparkle cleaner and whiter than my own. Yes, it cost me over three hundred quid. And yes, you read that right. Let this be a warning: canine dental hygiene is something to save up for.

It’s not just Ralphie though. Whitening, veneers, invisible braces, you can’t seem to move for Hollywood smiles now, even if they were done in Turkey and live in Wigan. I’m sure it used to be that only the rich and famous had straightening and bonding and whitening treatments, but it seems like it’s become as common as getting your eyebrows threaded. And, to be fair, most of them look incredible. Perfect, straight, dazzling teeth that make me feel worried about mine.

I had braces when I was a teenager, but as that was 20 years ago now, they’ve quietly had the audacity to move. If I said to you, ‘my teeth have got wonkier,’ you’d probably say, ‘nooo, you have lovely teeth, I don’t know what you’re on about.’ But you would be lying. I know this because I have a sister. And sisters tell you the ugly truths. It’s okay. We all lie to each other about this stuff. Who wants to be the reason someone gets agonising dental work, at an expense greater than a vet bill, and be the only one left with the normal teeth. I get it. Human nature.

It doesn’t start with teeth though, does it? It starts small then gets bigger as we get older. A bit of concealer, a layer of fake tan, a push up bra, becomes splashing out on a retinol cream, a bit of microneedling. You ask google, ‘should I get one of those LED face masks?’ And the answer is most certainly, yes. I’ve had my fair share of attempts to turn back the clock; collagen drinks, botox shot into my forehead (and eyelids), I’ve done the peels and the products and the paraphernalia. I have to say, some of that shit really works, even it is just a placebo effect to boost your confidence. But there’s not a quick, pain-free, tweakment for wonkier teeth is there?

I know what you’re thinking: why don’t you get a retainer or a tube of tooth whitener from the dentist, that might make you feel a bit better. I’ll tell you why. If I go to a dentist and say, ‘I’d like straighter, whiter teeth please.’ They will tell me they absolutely can’t do it without giving me the full works, not even because they’re thieves after my money but because it’s like a renovation project. Once you filler a crack, you need to sand that filler off and paint over it. Then, if you only paint a fresh lick onto that one bit of the wall, the rest of room will look crap. And if I did have the full works, sure my teeth would look great, but then I might not like the look of myself in other ways.

I might look in the mirror and think, hmm my lips could do with something, and my jawline… come to think of it, I hate my whole face. Before I know it, I went to the dentist one day and I’m Pete Burns the next. In trying to preserve our youth, do we risk losing the very essence of who we are? If the individuality that defines us gets polished into a uniform ideal, do we erase the little quirks that make us recognisable - the crooked smile, the expressive lines, the uneven nose.

When I had surgery last year I vowed to myself that I would never, ever take my health for granted again. When I had problems with my eyes the year before, I made a note-to-self that there is nothing more important than being able to see, hear, taste and smell. But humans are fickle beings, trust me. Even when you truly believe that health is wealth and learn the hard way that there are more important things to life than vain worries about teeth. Even if you wake up every day thrilled to be able to walk and run on this Earth. I can tell you that, eventually, and much faster than you’d like to admit, you will look in the mirror and you will think, ‘what am I going to do about these eye bags?’

Society doesn’t help, of course. We’re constantly reminded that we should fight age, resist it, delay it at any cost - creams, serums, lasers all promising to turn back the clock, or at least pause it for a bit. We all know it’s a losing battle, but we enlist anyway, waging war on the passage of time. We notice when someone ‘hasn’t aged well’ or when another seems to be ‘keeping it together.’ And so the pressure continues, nudging us towards one more treatment, one more tweak on the ever-growing list of things we should fix, and fix again.

I might be older and wiser and understand that, in the grand scheme of life, these things don’t really matter. That in the end, it’s not the flawless, filtered versions of ourselves that people love or remember. I tell myself there are bigger things to worry about than a few grey hairs or frown lines. But if I’m being totally honest?

I’m still worried about my teeth.