CHAPTERS on What do you want to do with your life?

And what to do, if you don't know...

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I want to do next in my career. As someone who likes a plan, I’ve always generally known where I’m headed, so it’s quite an unnerving time. Especially when a change in plan comes knocking unannounced and is taken out of your (imaginary) control. 

Last week I was due to start a 6 month contract at a record label. With only a week’s notice they pulled the rug on the job. So, for the first time since I was 14 years old, illegally working in a cafe, I am off the clock. I have been stopped in my tracks and it has forced me into a (slightly uncomfortable) life inventory.

One of the first questions we all ask when we meet new people is ‘what do you do?’ I’m reframing the WDYD question to something arguably more interesting, but difficult - what do you want to do? 

If you’ve read 30s work itch, you’ll know that I wanted to work in the media after uni and that’s what I did. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what role I wanted, I just knew that’s where I would best fit - with creative people, in the world of showbiz and I wouldn’t have to wear a uniform. I also naively believed that the key to success was to pick an industry, look at the top of it’s ladder and climb as fast as possible. (Oh to be young).

In my twenties I’d do anything to be in that world. I worked for free, I took shifts no sane person would want, I moved around the country, lost touch with friends and, in hindsight, lost myself too. I forged a great career but looking back it was an exhausting and often unhappy time - was that really what I set out to achieve? Even if you do know what you want to be when you grow up, no one seems to tell you what sacrifices it entails or what it may or may not feel like when you get there.

Knowing what you want to do with your life, I think, is a bit of a mythical concept on par with finding your ‘one true love.’ It’s an idea that is romanticised and sold as something people “just know.” I’ve heard actors and singers say things like, ‘this is all can do” or “I wasn’t good at anything else”. I envy that. I am more of a generalist. I pick up myriad hobbies and skills easily but this makes me feel like I’m a jack of all trades and master of none. Though I did have a direction when it came to work, I’ve found myself at a fork in a decade-long career path, questioning which way to go.

Over the last week or so I have had many a moment to reflect. I’ve found myself zooming out, looking around at the state of the industry I’m in, the current economy and politics of our country/world, the landscape for women who want to start a family and maintain a career. I’ve been catching up with my peers, hearing stories of others who have been made redundant, gone freelance, lost a job, are wondering how to try for a promotion or stepping away to create a better work-life balance. 

Basically, I am questioning it all right now. I hope sharing my experiences openly is helpful to someone out there. I have to admit, as terrifying as it is, I’m excited to know what the world has in store.

It’s been a rollercoaster so far. The last couple of weeks have gone something like this;

Shock and denial.

My coping mechanism in life is to keep busy and that is exactly how I started off. For the first few days I got up early with unfamiliar ease. I filled ever hour up to the brim. I exercised, walked the dog, listened to podcasts, read the news, traversed every aisle in the supermarket. I got coffees and lunches with friends who I’ve been meaning to see. I went full Marie Kondo on every cupboard in the house. I listed a pile of clothes on vinted. I went on a mad LinkedIn trawl and applied to jobs which I don’t want and won’t want me back. I booked appointments, wrote lists, ticked everything off on said lists, then exercised some more.

People talk about burnout from work, but at this rate I’d be heading for burnout from time off!

Feelings.

Once I’d ticked off every chore I could think of, I could no longer keep the real feels at bay. It was time to realise the impact that one phone call had on my life plans. Pain starts to creep in at what I’ve lost. Projects left unfinished. Colleagues I didn’t say bye to. Pay-checks I’ll miss. In the silence of the days passing by without a commute, without teams calls, without office camaraderie, I start to make way for the sound of my own thoughts. Loneliness comes knocking. Fear rises. So naturally at this point I lay on the floor, on my back and stare out of the window for half an hour. I silently let tears roll down my cheeks and into my ears - I’ve never done this before, it’s weird how your ears collect the water like a little bowl. I’m glad I know this now, but it’s not something I would recommend.

Reflection.

I don’t believe in a God and I’m sceptical that ‘everything happens for a reason’ but I do buy into the idea that you should trust your gut and listen to your intuition because, well, because I believe in Oprah. She wrote “When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice, your inner GPS guiding you to true North.”

So this week I am going to do as Oprah says. Slow down and get quiet. I have worked for 18 years of my life. I don’t know who I am without it. I think it’s time to find out.

Questions I will be asking my inner GPS this week - why not ask yourself these too…

🔸 What do you want life to look like in a year from now? 

🔸 What about in five years from now? (I hate this one, so I should probably spend more time with it)

🔸 How do you want it to feel?

🔸 What are you willing to wave goodbye to?

🔸 What and who do you want to take on this journey with you?

🔸 What and who inspires you?

🔸 What drains you? 

🔸 What brings you joy?

🔸 What are your priorities? 

🔸 What are you willing to risk? 

🔸 What don’t you want/need?

🔸 What is it time to change?

🔸 What do you want to do next?

🔸 Know the answers to the above? Tell me. How are you going to start doing it?